Sunday, September 09, 2007

Defending Traditional Pizza

Defending Traditional Marriage Pizza

When I go to a restaurant, if infuriates and confuses me to even see another type of "pizza" on my menu, other than what I see as traditional pizza. If I see other "pizzas" on the menu, it makes my pizza less enjoyable, and I feel it is an insult and threat to my pizza.

In fact, it bothers me so much that there is variety that I feel the need to demand the owner to change this. I don't care what other people want, I want there to be only one choice on the menu, and that is my idea of what traditional pizza is. I know some people might have allergies to what is on traditional pizza and therefore unable to enjoy it, but if that's true they shouldn't order pizza. Their corruption of pizza is part of what's wrong with America today.

Sure there are many toppings to put on a "pizza", but my way is the only right way. I can't enjoy my life or my pizza knowing that other people may be enjoying their abomination of "pizza" equally. I also wish to protect children from learning about this "pizza" and having their minds perverted with the idea that they can have whatever they want on their "pizza". If children grow up thinking there are choices, this most certainly will lead to chaos and the end of the world as our society embraces "pizza" diversity and equality.

There are arguments out there that since pizza has been around for hundreds of years that it has evolved over time, and there really is no true traditional pizza. Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditional pizza was handed down to us from God, and even though people have had the ability to have their "pizzas" whatever way they want up to now, it is time to take a stand and protect the sanctity of traditional pizza by banning any other form of "pizza". Let's make sure that we ban the mere talk of other "pizza" in public schools, and let's make a constitutional amendment that bans people from having "pizza" their way. Then and only then will traditional pizza be safe, and I will finally be able to enjoy my pizza to it's fullest extent.

This is a one pizza country where choices are not considered natural, and not in God's divine plan for us, so we should not create a social experiment by letting others try things we do not care for ourselves. Imagine what the world would be like if everybody could enjoy their "pizza" just the way they wanted?! Indeed I say that if it is not traditional pizza, it is not pizza, and it deserves to be called another name if we are to tolerate it at all. If we go down this road, who knows where the slippery slope may end? We may one day have a complete social breakdown as a result of "tolerance" to this "pizza".


John said...

I am anti-pizza.

I don't really care if people must have their pizza, but I shouldn't be forced to have to see and smell it.

I think the purveyors of pizza should at least have the decency to keep their wares out of sight of those of us who don't share their opinion.

But you're right about the idea of different names for different concoctions; they should not all be called pizza.

Look at the fine example of Starbucks. You don't see them calling their numerous toxic beverages "coffee".

Tom Lang said...

You scooped my "pizza" blog. KnowThyNeighbor has a bit to say about pizza and a certain uber bigot who will be making an appearance at a pissa emporium late in September...

more to follow

Ryan Charisma said...

I love it.

and I like Chicken BBQ pizza.

I always have, I was born that way.

And no, I wasn't forced it by a funny uncle or a school lunch lady.

I just know what I like.


John Hosty said...

I think people should have some choices for pizza, but not too many. We don't want to go overboard and have absolute chaos!

Fannie said...

But, you have to think about the pepperonis! Pepperonis grow up better on traditional pizza than on "other" pizzas. Pepperonis' friends will make fun of them for being on BBQ Chicken pizza or Veggie-Tofu pizza. What about the pepperonis?!?!!

(nice blog, by the way ;-)

Jane Know said...

"If I see other "pizzas" on the menu, it makes my pizza less enjoyable, and I feel it is an insult and threat to my pizza"


but really, you just don't understand. cheese pizzas have always been around. for, like, millenia. and anchovie pizzas haven't. thus, cheese pizzas are the only correct kinds of pizzas. if you don't like cheese pizza, you can't have anchovy pizza, or sausage, or even pineapple-ham pizza. it's tough titties if you don't like cheese or are lactose-intolerant.

John Hosty said...

All of you can still redeem yourselves by going to our "camp" where they teach you to desire traditional pizza.

It's not enough for me that I enjoy my own pizza, I have to make sure my neighbors are enjoying their pizzas the right way, if at all.

joseph said...

your fucking crazy

John Hosty-Grinnell said...

What a brilliantly insightful comment Joseph, thanks for stopping by. ;)