Thursday, May 29, 2008

OMGWTFBBQ, I Might be GAY!!!

Ed Brayton's blog brought this seriously demented article to my attention.


In this article from Mission America, among other pieces of bizarre, outlandish bullshit, there is the answer do how people become gay:

People, especially the young, can be seduced into homosexual behavior and have their identity molded around the homosexual lifestyle, through a combination of persuasion and circumstances which may include the following:

• Being convinced homosexuality is acceptable;
• Reading or viewing explicit homosexual pornography;
• A close relationship with a peer who is practicing homosexuality;
• Admiring an older teacher or mentor who is homosexual;
• Attending homosexual social venues (a “gay” club, bar, church youth group);
• Being homosexually molested;
• Having parents who espouse liberal values;
• No strong ties to a conservative church, and hostility toward traditional views.

Based on this, I might be gay. The article doesn't say how many of the above bullets points one needs, but here is my score:

• Being convinced homosexuality is acceptable;

Yep, guilty as charged.

• Reading or viewing explicit homosexual pornography;

I've done that. albeit only briefly. But then, I don't read (Danielle Steele notwithstanding) or view heterosexual pornography either. (OMG!!!!, what is wrong with me????)

• A close relationship with a peer who is practicing homosexuality;

Uh-oh. I'm in real trouble now; I have several gay friends with whom I am quite close, some even in my own family. But then again, maybe it doesn't count because the article says a peer who is "practicing homosexuality". I'm off the hook on this one. Some of the gay people I know are married, so I know they don't have sex, and other are not practicing (they've long since perfected the art).

• Admiring an older teacher or mentor who is homosexual;

Hmmm, this is tough. I had a mentor who was a gay man. He taught me the tricks of my trade, but I didn't know he was gay. What does that mean? Do I have know that a mentor is gay in order for it to be contagious?

• Attending homosexual social venues (a “gay” club, bar, church youth group);

Uh-oh more trouble. I went to a nightclub years ago (twice) that was frequented by lots of gay people. I didn't know that the first time I went; I didn't figure it out until a man bought me a beer. I talked with him for almost an hour, but I think I'm OK on this point because all we talked about was baseball. You can't catch the gay unless you talk about gay stuff, right? And baseball isn't gay, is it?

• Being homosexually molested;

Do teenage group masturbation sessions count? It is still homosexual if a girl is helping?

• Having parents who espouse liberal values;

Well, my parents were FDR Democrats.

• No strong ties to a conservative church, and hostility toward traditional views.

You might say that. My church was VCII all the way, but then again, even the Pope was hostile to traditional views then.

So, the preponderance of the evidence says I'm gay.

5 comments:

Fannie said...

Congratulations John. You will be receiving your welcome kit and membership card in the near future.

John said...

Do I have to wait for the membership card before I can add "fabulous" to my vocabulary?

Ryan Charisma said...

That's a load of crap,
because by their defenitions:

I shouldn't be gay

But I'm gayer than any given Sunday in June!

boy anything but admitting the truth that gay isn't a choice.

We're born that way!

Jane Know said...

LOL! that's awesome. you definitely "caught" the gay.

John Hosty-Grinnell said...

For me I think it was camping with the cub scouts, lol! Yup, all the men in uniforms with no females to focus on, that's what did it.